Strengthening my (follow your) heart muscles

“Really big, but not very strong.” That’s how a physical therapist described my calf muscles earlier this year when I finally went in to investigate my prolonged shin problems. I was shocked and, to tell the truth, slightly offended: after ten years of morris and social dancing, I never expected anybody to accuse me of having weak calves. (It was like when the makeup designer told me I needed to use stage makeup to “enhance” my eyebrows when I was in the Revels – I wanted to say, “Are you kidding? People already tell me I look like Frida Kahlo!” (Check out the photos on this page and tell me if you don’t agree.)) But since then, I have dutifully done my physical therapy exercises every morning to strengthen my calves and shins and hips (I leave my eyebrows unenhanced, however).

I think I also need to work on strengthening my “follow your heart” muscles. In theory, these muscles are incredibly large – I want more than anything else to change my life to align more closely with my ideals and goals. In practice, however, I continually run into obstacles that (I allow to) prevent me from moving forward in that direction. Obstacles such as what I call my “psychological money block” – the need for financial security and the knowledge that I will have enough income in the future to support myself (note to self: think in the present). Perceived obstacles such as not having enough of the nebulously defined “experience” to pursue the path I want (what kind of a Catch 22 is this where you need experience to gain experience?).

So, I’m working on baby steps toward a more sustainable lifestyle – sort of like emotional/spiritual therapy for my follow-your-heart muscles. I’ve already reduced my hours at work under the guise of going back to school, though the deeper reason is that I simply don’t believe in the 40-hour work week. Granted, the time that this has “freed” up has been rapidly absorbed by other things (such as the aforementioned school), and I would love to work even fewer hours, but at least it’s a somewhat healthier balance (while still providing most of the financial security I cling to). A future step (maybe not the next step, but definitely a step) is to get out of this job altogether and find something better suited to me (mmm, wouldn’t it be nice to have a job that I would do even if I weren’t getting paid for it?). Meanwhile, I’m investigating volunteer opportunities, starting with Hands on Greater Portland, which offers one-time or short-term projects rather than asking for a long-term commitment (thanks to Graham for reminding me about the Hands On network). A future step (once I free up more time for non-employment) is to commit to a more in-depth volunteer program(s) to which I can devote more time and energy, and which would provide the opportunity to gain experience, get to know other people with similar interests, and let me feel that I’m giving something substantial back to my community. I want to move toward a more service-oriented lifestyle, and volunteering seems to be a good way to start.

For some reason, I’m really good at making up excuses not to follow my heart. But I’m not going to do that anymore. That’s my commitment to myself from now on, and anybody reading this has my full permission to hold me to it (please!).